looking back..

i' havent been enjoying myself or the relationship recently
or may be this year? i always feel that time was
never enough. the things that were promise that
we will do. the beach. kite flying. camping. we never
never get to do it at all. but shouldnt i be enjoying
since i'm already free from exams? but no..
last year while i should be slogging hard for exams.
we get to do all this in my school days. we get to see
each other every day. we get to hit the beach almost 2
to 3 times a week! pinic. sun tanning. camping. we
were just two happy little kids.
i miss those days where we will go to town in
our sch uniform then i'll bring extra clothes to
change. one special date a week, pasta mania,
movie and neoprint.



i keep trying to search for those days
and when i couldnt find it. i got depressed
that i couldnt be as happy as before.
after talking to you yesterday,
i was really happy.. maybe is all this that
has been bothering me. you have been so busy
and i know soon u will be in ns and ya i'll
be even more lonely and bored and everything.
and miss this everything that we used to be
able to do.

u promise we will do all this before u go ns.
i hope so (:

ps: cant wait cant wait for our trip now!!


arg... stomach cramp. dont wanna go anywhere.
i'm breaking out in cold sweats. cant stand this
freaking pain sob. my stomach churning.
is a wed. spending my time cleaning a bit of
my room after watching "how clean is ur house?"
woah.. the house they showcase was so filthy but
very pretty. and the transformation was really nice.
wish i could have a house of my own (:
ahhh... stomach crampssss la!!!! ARG
TONG SI LE>>>>>


bad hair day
my hair my hair my hair...
is frustrating...! duhz.
and my tummy. is swelling.
i feel like an elephant.

but anyway.
very happy.
mum bought me a pretty skirt and pink top (:
ate laksa, and lots of junkies.
i'm still better be me, fatty bom bom.

5 more days to fly away


brand new me today


all made up and ready to go~~~~
i decide to stop being moody and all.
so let me experiment with the new make ups.

my birthday gift from Irene



tata


that night i woke up all of a sudden
at 5a.m, a pang of hunger hit me.
i snack my way thru' and just before
sleep, my mind came flooding with
memories of her. i felt like calling her
but what could i say? we arent even
friends anymore. there is only a thorn,
a blockage, a scar between me and her.
i thought of messaging "good luck for ur As"
at 5.30 a.m. i started feeling seriously
depressed. she was my soul mate.
the days where we spend
everyday together, chatting on e phone
abt every tv show, neoprints,photos,
every memory has a link to u. but all this
were shattered in that moment.
for once, i blame myself for knowing the
truth. i would really give anything
to get back her. sound lesbian.
but i do miss her very very much.
so i change my mind and msg yang. and told
him i miss her.

i'm still pondering what should i do...


today, hui ting is a happy girl.
because i stayed over night at his home last night.
and so i didnt get to pop the pill this morning.
but i was seriously very sick. my immune system
is such a wreck now.
and i ate alot. after i satisfy my cravings in the night with
my fav geylang lor9 beef hor fun and mango cake

morning-prata with mutton curry. hongkong style duck, char siew rice plus teh bing
afternoon-hot plate beancurd with fried rice
night-fried spring chicken,fries, salad etc

and i laugh alot like nobody business.
i'm glad i'm back to normal. (:

i'm so excited for our trip now.
i'm leaving lor! on sunday, for our 4 days 3 night trip to genting and kl. and we are going every where~ to play and shop and eat. our lovely trip before he have to go ns =(


these days have been the worst of my life
my depression finally hit a peak level and i cause myself
to hurt him and me inside burning so painfully
is amazing how one could have the ability to destroy the things one love the most.

maybe i should stop popping those pills
it doesnt help at all!
yesterday. i've been contridicting myself and him cause him to
breakdown too. on one hand, i thought he gave up on me but i know
he had a hard time struggling to suppress the pressure i've been pressing on him
but to me, i did nothing. i was heaving too much trying to catch my breath.
the pills make me sick, vomitting, coughing, unable to breath, no appetite,
and very very unhappy.
and i believe i could happily smash the mirror in front of me.
after numerous emotional attacks we flung at each other. the break up thing was in my head. but such a foolish thought. till...
the ultimate resolve it all..
i wonder , how could i have been so angry upset and abusive to him.
i was sorry. i still am.
so sorry to hurt the one i love the most
the one i need the most.
is the stupidest thing i ever done especially when he's all i care.

i know i hung "sorry" on my lips a thousand times.
but this time is not this word anymore.
but just "thank you, you are still there"

hit town today. it been ages since i shop at orchard. but very depressing is.. the clothes just doesnt fit me. my weight issue been bugging me ever since.

but anyway bought a top. and also manage to catch up on the good times with yun. (: but too bad she got to work so the time spent was just too short!

bought the sui love perfume... not for myself..hmmps. for meishan's 21st bday so help yang buy de. anyway hope she'll like it.
i'm still wondering whether i should go for the bbq later. . .

presents!
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

the clock struck 12 midnight and tata he held the flowers in front of my face hehe.. so sweet!
and quickly open the present the next morning, got this cow cow stuff toy hah.. not an odinary one okay! very special cos got his voice recorded inside saying "hui ting wo teng ni wo ai ni" and a card that is made of cd cover.

then yang preparing the breakfast and we brought champagne to the zoo!

dinner!
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

the valentine date ended of with a simple meal at the food court! haha..
cos i waass terribly sick already and in need to drink hot soup. sighhh.. wanted to eat fish and co badly.. :( but never mind! still. it was ggoood meal becos i'm eating with the one i love most! yummy!

zoo!
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

v day plus little pinic at the zoo! saw alot animals. love the jaguar the most! saw alot couples wearing couple tee in the zoo. hehe.. me and yang were like kids like that so excited to see the animals.

after that we took a bus to hmm chuachukang then go jurong point watch movie "Fun with dick and jane" disappointment la.. not funny!
i never even get to finish the show, had to excuse myself to bomb the toilet. dont know how many couples's feet been stomped by me. cos in a hurry to rush to the loo.

even though i was very sick, i was really happy to enjoy the day!

king queen
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

Happy VALEntine Day to to to to US~~~

haha lame la.. the pic. but i like. so dont care. very tired. went off to work. but half way on the bus decide to u turn and go back home. i was sick and tired.

i had fun yest, thanks dear. anywhere. whatever simple things we do. is you that matters. everyday is valentine day! yest was tiring and fun but i was sick very badly watch movie half way rush to toilet to shit. bad enough right ? on a v day somemore.

but nvm. my king is working hard now. studying working studying, let me give u more encouragement. jia you jia you!
shall blog abt my v day other time cos too many pics to sort out. anyway
a big wishes to all couples and to all friendships!
Happy Valentine Day!

i'm tired of alot of things.
maybe i'm just tired of you


oh no i skipped work again~ die le.. not suppose to be like this
aiya heck care le.
too busy tidying a room that doesnt seems like mine.
i need to lose weight. jian fei jian fei jian fei. every girl i look at are so bloody slim. whats wrong whats wrong. i have lost all my fitness. never even swim or run or do anything for months! i'm so bloody unfit! cant help being so in love with him and food at the same time. aRg. but think when he go ns, i might be able to slim down! no appetite mah! (really? hmm..)

so....
is a miracle we were having breakfast at the same table yest.
everyone's telling me that.

she: " i thought she wont go becos u are going"
me: "whatever la.. "
she: "when i say the payment divide by three, she never disagree. then u no need to pay, wah really surprised!"
me: "hur..."

i look thru' my glasses...
the skies are grey, not blue not white.
becos the glasses are tinted. and i cant live without my glasses.


this week is all about cooking and eating.

thursday - my attempt to bake cupcakes for my love was so successful!

friday- is billy bombers again! with beng. and caught the show "Fearless" with him too. i was so full that i puke almost immediately after food. :( this time was choco milkshake. breaded pawns and calamari salad, follow by two main courses: mix grill and fried fish cod. a great meal but too full which upsets me!!

saturday- since cupcakes was good. i decided to bake cookies for yang. thought of my own recipe and lots of subsitution of ingredients. still the end product was good. use ferrero and nutella in the mix. no measurement. everything i do i follow my heart! drop by punggol beach for a stroll. then we went geylang to eat our very fAVouRite BEEF HOR FUN! is soooo yummy!!!! never sick of it. and they serve so bloody fast. slept at 3+ a.m

sunday- today, woke up so bloody early to eat dim sum at the Red Sun Restuarant. tired le... wanna go for a swim. waiting for dear...

PS: cant wait for v day
cant wait for our genting/kl trip
cant wait for our camping trip
cant wait to play!



DSC03056
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

tata! the amazing amazing amazing master pieces of mine!

DSC03021
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

the preparation!
woke up and my heart all set to get these cakes ready for valentine. suppose to be a surprise la. but aiya.. my house no oven. then he came home a little too early but still he was very surprised. cant imagine i would ever cook anything. really so terrified of cooking. but anyway took the trouble to get all these ingredients lorhx

DSC03046
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

baking. waiting. baking

DSC03053
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

of all the nice nice cup cakes i make. he chooses to eat the chao ta pieces..lol.. yang just step home from school starts to munch on my cakes.. yay!

DSC03039
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

the unsuccessful ones

(tues)

At Cindy's Wedding


yang and me

snapshots

abalone... yummy...




DSC03010
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

lots and lots of red wine.. cheers~

DSC02930
Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

the ceremony

i believe it might took at least 7days 6nights for me to get my room neat and clean.
i' just wanna slack on couch, with a coke and chips in my hands, watching "friends" , "the nanny", all the 7 to 9 tv series and just slack my time away.. yay!

the least thing i wanna know now is a level results.. boo


time passes quickly.
some time ago i was just a new girl. now i'm in charge of 4 fellow new staff. teaching, checking, all done by me. those who left marked such a huge footprint in my path, how am i to walk by alone now, the memories so unforgettable. i was being extremely friendly to the new collegues but.. it doesnt seems like we might click at all, not that i didnt give myself and them a chance. the smiles and jokes i gave all got flung into the wall. got stuck listening to my own laughters. i guess there was some lack of "chemistry". i truly truly truly miss the old gang.

today is such a good day. yes. it is wednesday if i'm not wrong. hah. is so bloody good bcos i dont have to get up at six plus. is another off day for me! i just wanna slack slack slack. laze around. i dont wanna work anymore yap! no more working for me. i wanna rest and play now. all work and all play makes me a tired tired tired bitchy girl. why? cos i get all bitchy and moody and bitchy after a week of hard work. is not like my job is so stressful and all. i'm just tired. and so boring!!

i dont seems to be resting at all. shop shop, eat eat, play play, work work. thats all i do with my girlfriends. drop by ngee ann open house last sat with them, heh heh not like i wanna study there. just wanna accompany them and went shopping later. we are so good at eating! totally hell spoiling my diet plan (: and spending 2 hrs in the same shop. three of us bought the same pair of jeans, got myself a bikini and a hot pink jacket. from clementi to my home is such a long way back but the whole journey seems never enough for the two of us baring our hearts out. thanks sweetie Para, will pray for you, hope everything will turns out fine.

Yest took off, went tamp to pick him up. got myself 2 shorts and a mini skirt from Fox. went back to get change and head off to my cousin's wedding and witness the solemnization.
and hear them Sompa: "yes i do"
so sweeet. i get to throw the lovely rose petals all over them and gave them our blessings.

i love the sun i love the sun!!!
v day drawing near.. tell me what to do? i'm lost for ideas now... :(




Originally uploaded by toto-chan.

bday gift from piggyjojo`~

i'm sorry to hurt my heartt so much, we know we shouldnt cry like that.
maybe i should cherish myself more and do a bit good by being less sensitive and stop all these nonsense. (: let's just cheer up and make each other smile more.

anyway the trip was really great, i'm such a happy girl now.
make up some new year resolution, this time i'm really serious abt it kae.

1)less worries, be happy
i dont want other people to affect me. no matter what they say. i want to believe in myself have faith in myself and the ones who care and i love them. i want to be truly happy at heart. i want to be contented. expect less.

2) Lose Weight
(seriously lah, dont know how much how much how much food i ate with him, every min every hr i'm eating non stop! and drank quite a bit, lots of red wine, beer and martell)

3)Save money
lose weights and be pretty so i will spend lesser money on shopping. (:

4)do more charity and good deed

5)forget the past
the past years sins have been bugging me for years. slowly it will fade away like any other nightmare. thanks.. yang, for helping me to get rid of an ugly past and starts anew and accept me as who i am

i'm glad i've change... not resentful. i thank god for the gifts in my life.